Sunday Morning / Mom It is so long since I have heard your voice or seen you smile. The love I feel for you knows no boundries as there are no boundries that could hold it. The joy you brought to my life is matched only by the sorrow of losing you. I wait not patiently until I can be with you once again. I want so to feel your presence; to help me find the peace I need to endure this eternity on earth. Guide Matthew until he is old enough to find his way back to us. I love you and am ever proud to be your mother.
Last night / Mom
I don't need anything to bring you into my thoughts; you live in my heart and are there all the time. Late last night I got a call from Angela she told me she had received a message from an old friend of yours, Robbie Lorden. It made me sad to think of someone else learning for the first time that you are gone. I am so sorry he had to learn about your death by reading it on the internet.
There are so many people who love and miss you; it is all just so wrong. I sat in the dark and listened to the rain incessantly falling. It brought back all the saddness of the last six years. At first I thought the grief would kill me indeed I hoped it would. I never expected to be here this long after your death it is an unkind blow that I go one living knowing you are not. All it did was destroy my spirit, my tortured soul continues on; waiting for the time when we are once again together. It destroyed my hopes for your future, your children, the things you would have accomplished if you'de had the chance.
I go on not for myself but because I have to; for all the people who love you. Angela and James have their memories of you the grandchildren do not. I want to keep you alive in their memories. I have one hope to look forward to; one day Matthew will knock on my door. I want him to know how wonderful his father is; how much you are loved. I want him to know why he smiles the way he does where those beautiful brown eyes and that quick wit come from you. I love you and miss you more than anyone can possible know.
My Brother not forgotten... / Angela Embrey (Sister)
Sometimes I feel so shallow for not writing. I get soo busy with work and kids, that it's hard. Sometimes I just get scared, that's why death scares me. I'm afraid to think of the people who have gone in my life because it hurts too much. I always just try to think something good has happened. I do pray for you but I'm not one to feel the spirit. I think God knows that would probably kill me. I do talk to you my brother and I listen for you in the breeze. I don't expect much, but you know me. But do know this, I love you; I just don't deal with thnigs the way some people do. I love you and you are always in my heart as well as you neices and nephews. You were always a wonderful Uncle.
Love
Angela
Ray you will be dearly missed / Robert (Robbie) Lordon (Friend)
I have to express my shock as I have been looking for Ray for some time to find him this way is indeed a very sad day for me. My heartfelt condolences to all of the family members. Ray was so full of life it is so true what everyone has said he was happy and smiling no matter what.
I will miss you my friend
Robbie Lordon
Always thinking of you / John Rodriguez (Uncle John-Bear ) I was thinking of you. Until we meet again on the other side. Say hi to Grandma and Grandpa for us.
Six Years / Mom
My precious angel, how have I survived this long without you? There is a crack in my universe yet the world goes on; in spite of the pain. This afternoon as we sat in the park preparing the balloons for release; a dragonfly hovered around me. I tell myself dragonflies are messengers that he was letting me know you were with us and still aware of me. Through tears I watched the balloons rise then dissappear into the afternoon sky carrying my love to you. I can not believe I am still here waiting for the day I will see you again. I love you.
You have a beautiful son that is an Angel in heaven now watching over you. I know you will always miss him and always love him. I know we don't understand why God does what he does at times, but I do believe it was for a reason and we all have to believe that. If you don't mind me asking what happened to your son? He looks healthy and like nothing is wrong. Most of all... I know your son Ray is watching over you day and night. It looks like he was married but it appears it wasn't legal, if I read that right. You have made a beautiful memorial website for him. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Today has been a quiet day, a day for reflecting and celebrating your life. Memories are all I have left of you, these memories are imbedded in my soul. Memories of your birth, of holding you to my breast and nourishing you, watching you grow, seeing the look of pride on your father's face, your first steps, your first day of school--how difficult it was to watch you walk away. I still feel the pain of losing you, that is something that will never go away.
Like Tammy, I look to the brightest star in the night sky, that star is you. I send you my love and pray that you can hear my prayers. I know that I will see you again, I wait. That is what keeps me going.
I am so proud to have been your mother. I love you,
Mom
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith ... it is the price of love. - Author unknown -
I attended the memorial services for Aunt Yolanda in San Antonio. It was a sad and sorrowful occasion; my heart went out to Bernard and Cindy, seeing their grief took me back to the first weeks after losing you. I walked into the chapel and looked to the front pew, knowing they would be there. Seated next to Bernard, was your father, my heart skipped a beat, it was like seeing you again. The you I might have seen in another twenty years; had you not gone away. I was transfixed by the sight of him/you, I could not look away. I walked up to him, held out my hand, and started crying. It was a gift I never expected, the gift of seeing what might have been, the person you would have grown into. The resemblance is even more striking than I remembered. It was a sad, yet, happy feeling; truly a gift. He sat next to me throughout the service; we had a chance to talk after the mass the following day. We spent a couple of hours talking; I wanted him to know as much as I could possibly tell him, about you. I wanted to give him some idea of the wonderful person you are, your intelligence, charm, generosity and great capacity for love. I know, he too, has suffered having lost you without ever getting the chance to get to know you. It was a healing experience, the years seemed to fall away, there was no animosity, only a mutual sorrow and (most of all) love for the life we had created, you. I have been thinking of you, even more, ever since. I wish you could have been there to meet your father, I know how much you wanted that. I love you and miss you. Mom
It has been five years since you left us. It seems an eternity, and it seems like yesterday. The candles on your altar will remain lit throughout the night as I pray for a dream or sign from you.
Today, Chris and I selected some water lilies and a new koi for the pond in your garden. It has become a quiet, serene place in which to reflect. There are so many things left unsaid, so many memories yet to be shared. I remember all those occasions when you tried to tell me how proud you were of me, I didn’t understand what I had done to make you feel pride, I wish I had listened more closely; I might have guessed something was wrong and found the time to make things right. There is the persistent feeling that, in spite of all my love, I failed you. I failed to give you the strength to endure the cruelties people inflict on each other. I wish I could find a way to reverse time; back to happier times before; to find a way to fix all the things that went wrong.
So many things have changed since you’ve been gone, as much as I might like, time did not stand still. Your brother and nieces have grown so much, you have a new nephew. I try to keep your memory alive in them, so they might know what a wonderful person you are. I worry that Matthew will not know how much his father loved him, that he will grow without knowing that love. Your face is etched in my memory, but I worry that I will forget the sound of your voice. Everyone was right when they said the pain would soften. I seldom cry anymore, the searing agony has been replaced by emptiness, regret and unending sorrow.
I cherish every memory of you, except for that last, terrible, day that took you from our lives. How often have I wished I could make a deal with whatever God there is to switch places with you, exchange my life for yours? Know that I miss you with every beat of my heart; I wait for the time when I will see you, once again. I love you,
I spent the weekend in San Antonio, visiting with family members we both knew and loved. There were so many memories shared, of you. As I drove through those familiar neighborhoods, memories of you came flooding through; some happy, some sad. So many places that reminded me of you--not that I need to be reminded--you are always in my mind. Kimo has returned from Iraq, he, Miriam and the children came to my suite in S.A. to visit. Angela, Hannah, Madelyn and Q.T. had a suite across the hall from us, we were fortunate to have Johnny, Sil and Angelica, Nicole, Ben and their children, Juliet and Julian, and (last but not least) our beloved Tommy.
Since you left us, Tommy has stepped up and tried to fill your big-brother shoes with James. He has taken him under his wing and serves as a wonderful influence for him. James misses you terribly, he grieves within himself, he won't talk about it, but the sorrow and anger (against Catherine) are still there.
During the last two weeks, I have been blessed with visits from loved ones. Gregi, his wife and two children came to Plano from Germany, Sonja, her husband and their children came and met them in our home. Yosie and Jimmy were there as well; your cousin Paul couldn't make it, but he called several times. So many loved ones, so many memories. I would give anything to have you here with everyone. I love you.
I sit here at my desk, contemplating the events of the last 6 – 7 years, the events that culminated in the death of my son, almost five years ago. His blood is on your hands, as surely as if you had placed the noose around his neck. You are GUILTY of his murder. I wonder what it was that caused you to do the things you did–why did you feel the need to perpetrate that grand deception, was it for the money?—the great lie that cost my son his life? Did you think you could continue to lie your way out of that initial deception? Did you not think we would eventually figure out the fact that you were not the person you pretended to be? If you were terminally ill, would you not eventually die? How many kidneys could you hope to regenerate? Did you not understand that marriages, and divorces, are a matter of public record? Did it never occur to you that everyone would find out that when you married Ray on August 9, 2001, your divorce from Robbie was not finalized until August 24, 2001? Did you not think about the fact that there is also a two month waiting period before you would be able to legally marry anyone? That makes you a bigamist, in addition to all the other unsavory things that can be said about you. Your marriage to my son is null and void, you were never legally married to him; in signing his name to all those bad checks, and you are guilty of fraud as well. I guess that makes Robbie Matthews LEGAL father, since you were legally HIS wife when Matthew was born. Perhaps this also means that Robbie can petition for custody of Matthew; that would be so much better than mere visitation privileges. You also had no right to claim Ray’s ashes, as you were NEVER his legal heir. You might want to prepare yourself to face some very real legal problems soon. How could you hope to hold on to someone through your vicious, destructive, avaricious, lies? Ray was so much more than anyone like you could have hoped to attract; a moon faced, plain, nothing extraordinary about you, lower Alabama, trailer trash. The only reason you got as far as you did, is the fact that he was so kind, gentle, giving and noble. He was the type of person who would take the bird with the broken wing home, to heal and nurture. When he was seventeen, he ‘adopted’ the ugliest, least-lovable dog at the animal shelter; his reason was, “no one else would take this dog, it would be put to death” if he had not taken it. You ARE that dog, who else would have you? Unlike that dog, you were vicious and cruel; that dog was loyal and thankful. You destroyed someone much greater than yourself. My son was loved in ways you could not begin to understand. Every word on his website is testament to the man you destroyed. What lesson did you take from all this? Your actions lead me to believe you learned nothing. You continue in your destructive path; how many more lives will you destroy? What will happen to those helpless, innocent, children you claim to love? Will you destroy them as well? You can’t for a moment believe, they will not be made aware of what you have done. When they finally figure that out, and I promise you, they will; they will hate you as much as everyone else does. The kindest thing you could do for those children, and everyone else around you, is to step out of their lives before you destroy them. Your Karma will eventually catch up with you; there is a special place in hell reserved for you. Know this too, there are many people who loved Ray. They all hate you. Many of them wish you dead. It is only that I am a Christian that prevents me from killing you myself. Eventually, you will cross the wrong person; that person will not be me, but rest assured, it will happen.
Today is your birthday, the fifth birthday spent without you. Angelica, Hannah and Madelyn are visiting this week, your birtday cake is in the dining room and we are preparing for the balloon release will do this afternoon in your honor. The messages that have been coming in form all over give me a feeling of serenity and peace. You are not forgotten, you live on in our hearts. I hope you feel the love as those messages make their way to heaven, to you. I love you... Mom
My Favorite Memory / Nicole Rodriguez (cousin)
One year in elementary school we had to take a reading chart home. We each had to read ‘x’ number of books in order to get a prize. I read as many books as I could get hold of. The prize was a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut. I begged my parents to take me to cash it in but they weren't able to. I remember Ray coming by to visit later that day. I was so proud of myself that I wanted everyone to see my reading chart and the prize I had received. I remember showing Ray. He almost made me blush when praised me for the good job I had done. Later that day, he took me to get my little pizza and carried me into Pizza Hut on his shoulders. I was so happy. That's one memory that has stuck with me all of these years. To a wonderful cousin. Love, Nicole Close
It's cold outside. I feel the chill permeating the walls, going straight to my soul. The winter chill, the bare limbs on the trees, echo my feelings. The sorrow of knowing there will be no more photographs of you, no more memories, no more laughter shared. The tears do not come as often as they used to, but there is dark and coldness in my heart. I cherish what I do have, in the memories you left behind, but weep because there will be no more. All that I have is in these few photographs and memories.
As your birthday approaches I find myself being drawn, once again, to that dark abysmal place. Each time I go there, it is harder and harder to pull myself back. I know there will come a day when I will no longer be able to accomplish that. Death doesn't frighten me, but the sorrow I would leave behind keeps me here, like a ghost, for now.
Last night, I sat alone in the family room watching television. Three times I felt a presence, like seeing a figure from the corner of my eye. I turned to look, but no one was there. My heart leapt, because I felt that perhaps it was you, coming to ease my sorrow.
The nightmares recurr, night after night, there is no longer any escape in sleep. How much longer must I endure this existence? I miss you.
My Beloved Brother / Angela Embrey (Sister)Read >>
My Beloved Brother / Angela Embrey (Sister)
Time has passed, and I apologize. I do not not know why, but I always think of you. I just still can't believe that you are gone. I feel so sad and empathic for the fact that it is true, you no longer are here. I feel bad, you have a wonderful nephew. His name is Quintin Terrell , I know you know him. If I can remember I prayed to you and Grandma to bring him safely to me. I rememembered I was in sooo much pain and all I could think of was God, just please let this baby be OK. I prayed and cried to you and Grandma. I have no doubt that you heard my prayer. I am healthy and your nephew is beautiful. Like you I hope we will share the things we enjoyed as children. I love you Ray, and perhaps many times I was hoping you would tell me the same knowing that our Dads were never in our life. Life is very short, I hope I can bring happiness to this family and not have to wonder anymore. Dear brother, I am glad that you were by my side when your nephew was born. He is absolutely beautiful. One day I can't wait to tell him what a loving and absolutely great person you are. I Love You. Close
Matthew's birthday / Mom
Matthew is seven years old now, although in my mind and heart, he is ever two and a half. I made the twelve hour drive to see him on his birthday, knowing my chances of actually seeing him were very slim. I watched and waited, hoping for even a glimpse of him. I know he will likely not even remember his Nana, but not a day has gone by without my thinking of him. Predictably, his mother went into hysterics and refused to see me, or let me see him. I guess it is hard for her to know that I know the truth about who she is and where she comes from. It hurt to see the squalor he is being brought up in, knowing he was born into so much better. I fear her emotionally unbalanced mothering will have an unhealthy effect on him. He deserves so much better than poverty and a sociopath for a mother. I was rewarded with a school photo (this years) which I have posted in your album. In spite of everything, it was worth it. I got to see what he looks like, and know he is reasonably alright in spite of his surroundings. My greatest hope remains, that he will find his way back to our family; and learn who his father is and of the love that will always be here for him. Watch over him, keep him healthy and sound until that day, and know that I will never give up. I love you... Mom Close
Another New Year Without You / Mom
We've been away for a couple of weeks, got in about 8:30 last night; just in time to fall asleep before midnight. So we didn't quite make it awake into the new year, but we tried. I was mostly cut off from outside communication, but know that you were very much in my mind. I thought of you as I watched the brilliant display of stars in the absolutely black sky, the sky you see only when you are away from the city, where the only light you see is that of the moon and stars. These are the times when I feel you closest, in the peace of the country, with a fire to keep me warm. I miss you more than I can say; how many more years will go by before I see you again? Close
Darling son, you have a new nephew. He is tiny, but perfect in every way. You would be so proud of little Quintin Terrell, and he would love you as much as the rest of us do. I would give anything to have you here to share in the joy of his birth. Smile down upon him and send him your love, I love you,
The holidays / Mom
The holidays are, once again, upon us; much as I would like to stop time and keep things as they once were. I watch as people hurry about doing their holiday shopping and venture out only because it is expected of me. I am an unwilling participant in all of their gaiety. For me, it is meaningless, there is no joy in it.
I wonder about Matthew, and how his Christmas will be. Will he have lots of toys? Will there be laughter? Or will he be unhappy? These thoughts are with me always, much more so during the holidays.
In less than a week, you will have a new nephew. Little Quintin Terrel will make his appearance this coming Friday. I plan to be there for his birth, it will (of course) bring back the memories of watching Matthew being born. I remember looking into his infant face, and seeing you. Will I see a little of you in this child? I hope so. It is a way of keeping you here, with me.
I miss you more with every passing day. Each season brings reminders of happier times, and all too quickly they are gone. Time is passing, but your memory remains clear; you are ever present in my heart.
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